The 21 Inexplicable Laws of Parenthood

By Eric Wilbanks, Professional Dad.

Law 1: The Law of the Lid

You will always have more cups than there are lids that fit them, no matter what you do.

Law 2: The Law of Influence

There is an un-identifiable force named “Idunno” which is capable of exerting incredible influence over the decisions of your child.

Law 3: The Law of Process

Every activity involving children will take four times longer than it should, no matter how much you rehearse the process.

Law 4: The Law of Navigation

Children do NOT know where they are going even if you did just give them explicit instructions, hence Law 3.

Law 5: The Law of Addition

One child can scatter 100 toys in one minute. Two children can scatter 1,000 toys in one minute. Go figure.

Law 6: The Law of Solid Ground

Faces and bottoms are destined to experience the fury of solid ground. Survival is nearly 100%.

Law 7: The Law of Respect

Children do not respect weak parents. Show them your jugular and they will go in for the kill.

Law 8: The Law of Intuition

A mother’s intuition is like some sort of freaky alien super power. Kids know this and are baffled by it. Use that to your advantage.

Law 9: The Law of Magnetism

By some cruel twist of fate, children are natural magnets for all things unclean. Get close enough to a child and you will find this out first-hand. Especially if you are wearing white. And on the way out the door.

Law 10: The Law of Connection

You will always have an enduring connection to your child, even if it is just from your garment to his runny nose.

Law 11: The Law of the Inner Circle

Be forewarned: The day she graduates from a crib to a “big girl bed” is the day she invites herself to the inner circle of your own bed. This cannot be stopped.

Law 12: The Law of Empowerment

A child’s feeling of empowerment is inversely proportional to your desire for them to do it themselves. Go ahead, think it through…we’ll wait.

Law 13: The Law of the Picture

Every picture, every scribble, is a work of art. Don’t even think about discarding it. They WILL notice.

Law 14: The Law of Buy-In

Kids give immediate buy-in. Therefore, you should make an effort to limit the number of times you threaten to sell them to aliens from another galaxy.

Law 15: The Law of Victory

Be sure to celebrate the little victories…like actually finding both little shoes in the same room.

Law 16: The law of the BIG MO

After you’ve used the very last wipe, the next diaper will be the BIG MO.

Law 17: The law of Priorities

Your priorities mean nothing to a child. Your explanations of those priorities mean even less.

Law 18: The law of Sacrifice

It will be many years before you are able to enjoy a night out or even a peaceful meal. That’s part of the package. Deal with it.

Law 19: The Law of Timing

Your child will experience an “emergency” (real or imagined) at the exact moment you sit down on the toilet.

Law 20: The Law of Explosive Growth

Your child will experience a massive growth spurt the day after you spend money on any article of clothing.

Law 21: The Law of Legacy

As a parent, your own children are the only legacy you have that means anything. Raise them well and others will praise you no matter what else you do in life.
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About Eric Wilbanks

Brand strategist. Wordsmith. Change architect. Training specialist. DiSC Certified. Family guy (hot wife and 4 cool kids). Love my Bible, guitars, baseball, and MMA.


  1. Love number 3 and 11, but they are all so-o true!

    Number 21 makes me a bit nervous, but have to admit that I've judged others that way.